I had started off the day with my own plans for self-healing. Unknown to me the universe had its own plan in stored.
My plan was to work on my inner child. My goal was to be youthful and have more fun. Through opposite handwriting, I asked my inner child what she wanted to do the next day. I put the pen in my left hand took and started to write.
I want to play outside (pause) with chalk. (pause) I want to play hopscotch.
I replied back as my adult-self with my right hand. Ok tomorrow we’ll play hopscotch together.
The next day I took a brief afternoon stroll to a nearby park. As I walked and thought about playing hopscotch by myself, excitement quickly turned into anxiety. What are people going to think of me? Are they going to think this adult playing hopscotch by herself is a bit crazy and peculiar? I quickly decided I would have my son with me to avoid these feelings of angst.
As I approached a fountain, I observed from a distance the water flowing from it. My thought quickly turned to my son. If he was with me he would have run up to the water. He would want to feel it, taste it, and even try to smell it. He is the definition of freedom.
As a toddler, he is in a constant state of free being. His actions are free of judgments. Fear does not hinder him. In any given moment, he will do whatever his heart desires. He does not live by rules or consequences.
Later that afternoon I met Jeff and my son at the park. He had brought chalk for three of us to play. As a family we played. We scribbled with the chalk in our non-dominate hands until our hearts were content.
Earlier in the day I had been smiling. I smiled on my way to work. I even smiled while walking to the park in the rain. I spent my day feeling on top of the world. I felt whole. I was feeling the joy from all of the emotional work I was doing.
All that happiness and joy was gone in a short moment. In one moment my emotional state collapsed. I was anger and I was hurt. One of my deep emotional wounds became exposed. The wound included feelings of insecurity, not being good enough, and questioning my decisions.
Jeff seeing I was upset offered to help bring me back to my center. My anger and hurt were very intense. I grudgingly went through my limiting beliefs, judgments, and projections. The truth was in that moment I didn’t want to heal. I wanted to justify keeping my feelings and old beliefs. I didn’t want to feel better.
Jeff seeing my resistance asked me when the FIRST time I ever felt those emotions was. He then suggested me to Gestalt with that little girl who had first felt those emotions. I agreed to do the work. I broke down sobbing. The emotions were raw. These were feelings I had been suppressing for a very long time.
The process was emotionally draining. So much so I had to do some free form writing to get rid of excess negative energy. I let out all my anger onto sheets of paper until I felt complete. As instructed I didn’t read what I wrote. Instead I went I outside to burn it. As I watched the paper burn I actually did feel better but I was still emotionally drained. I didn’t feel like I completely healed from the hurt.
I went to bed feeling exhausted. I woke up to my son crying at 4am. While I was putting him back to sleep it hit me. I had an expectation from this person they were not meeting. I had an expectation of the role of this person in my life. In their role I expected them to behave and act a certain way towards me. This person did not meet my expectation and it hurt.
The staff at The Clearing talked about the universe knocking in life to teach us a special lesson. It will keep knocking until you answer. You can choose to ignore it but it will always come back knocking louder than the time before.
When those unpleasant emotions showed up last night I had two choices. I could keep ignoring them and suppress them as I’ve done in the past or I could begin the work to heal my upset. Through the support of my husband I made the choice to start the healing process. I may not have healed this deep emotional wound completely but it is a much smaller and on its way to being completely healed.
I accept that I too cannot meet others emotional needs and that is ok. Moving forward my intention is to listen from my loving centered heart and show compassion for myself and others.