I love my new perspective of viewing upsets as a welcomed opportunity to learn and heal. In the past I would suppress my hurt feelings. My pattern of suppression is why I’m writing tonight. I was thinking this morning how I had nothing to write about this week. Lucky for me I got upset on my way home from work. Jeff called and asked if I could pick up our son from daycare. Most days I love picking up my son but this time I became annoyed.
I was exhausted. I wanted to go home and relax. I was full of resentment and went right into victim mode. I told Jeff I felt I could not depend on him lately. I felt my needs were not being met. I needed more help with daycare pickups and drop offs. I’m tired of being the one to get up with our son during the night. I need more help around the house. My list of “I’m upset with you because x,y,z” was endless. Once I started sounding like a broken record I knew it was time to examine the real reason behind my hurt.
I had to start taking ownership of my needs. Why was I giving so much power to someone else to meet MY needs? It is so easy for me to fall into the pattern of blaming others for my suffering than to look at myself.
I was not upset because Jeff asked me to pick up my son from daycare. I love my son! I love walking into his classroom and him running towards me for a hug. The truth is I was suppressing my hurt from last week. I’ve become so good at suppressing my hurt and anger I don’t recognize it is even happening.
Last week was tough! Jeff was struggling to recover from an endoscopy. One day of expected recovery turned into a week. He wasn’t eating and extremely fatigued. To make matters worse a nerve was injured during the IV insertion. The injury has caused shooting pain, numbness, and tingling in his hand.
I recognized the root of my hurt went back to the days of me being a caretaker and sole financial provider to my family. Those feelings I hadn’t dealt with came rushing back. I spent most days taking care of others and not myself. The financial stress of Jeff not working weighed heavily on my mind as I worried how his injury would impact his future employment.
Unknowingly I started abiding by my inner rules. I have to do everything. I have to follow a firm schedule to do it all. I have to be the perfect mother, wife, friend, and employee. I don’t need to ask others for help. I don’t have time for myself right now; I’ll get to me later.
The truth is to avoid burnout I need to love myself. I need to slow down and be in the moment. I need to stop thinking about the next minute, the next hour or the next day. It is ok to feel overwhelmed. Instead of suppressing it, I can stop and be present with my feelings.
In the past I have suppressed my feelings of hurt. Moving forward my intention is to slow down, be present, learn the purpose of it and heal.