The past few weeks I’ve been feeling blah. Sensing the fatigue I started pinpointing the causes.
There certainly isn’t a lack of reasons for my boredom.
1. Pregnancy. Back pain, leg pain, swelling, weight gain, fatigue, heartburn, nausea; enough said.
2. Blood Clot Risk. Learning I have an increased risk for blood clots due to an underlining genetic mutation + pregnancy + my family history.
3. Sister’s Death. There is not a day I do not miss and think about my sister. Then she found her way into my dreams almost every night for a week.
4. Mother’s health. For most of my life I could share elaborate and funny stories about my “crazy” mother. The funny stories are now replaced by the harsh reality of her deteriorating short term memory. Last month I called my mom to share the news that I was having another boy. The excitement soon faded as I struggled to convince her she was talking to me, Andrea, her daughter. During our most recent conversation she asked how my baby girl was doing.
5. Jeff’s surgery. While most families were celebrating Christmas Eve we were at the doctor office getting a MRI of Jeff’s spine. Within a few hours we knew he needed surgery and we began researching doctors. The month leading up to the surgery Jeff had to go off all his AS medications. His physical health quickly deteriorated to the point he had difficulty walking. His surgery lasted almost six hours and we found out that a large portion of his left vertebrae had been damaged due to AS.
6. Niece’s surgery. Two days after Jeff’s surgery my niece had her own serious surgery.
7. Work Burnout. I have a job where I spend my entire day helping other people. I learned years ago I have to take care of my needs first before I can help others and do my job successfully. Given everything above it is no surprise I am feeling irritated with each request and task asked of me.
I knew I was not meeting my needs as my irritability continued to spiral. After some soul searching I still did not know what I needed. Desperate for emotional relief I used opposite hand writing to ask my inner child. The response was one I’ve heard many times before. The answer – you need to laugh more and play more.
There is a reason why this a recurring theme for me. Weeks went by knowing what to do and yet I still did not follow through. I clearly remember the night I was going to build a fort with my son; it never happened. As I ignored my need to laugh and play I found myself sinking deeper into myself.
Then another moment of clarity came. I came home from work feeling really down. Jeff was watching TV and my son was playing contently in his room. Jeff appeared uninterested that I was home which intensified my feelings. I told him I was feeling disconnected from him lately. Jeff’s response surprised me. He asked, “Well do you feel disconnected from yourself?” The answer was yes! I absolutely felt disconnected from me. Not me the wife, mother, daughter, or friend but me the carefree inner child who wants freedom from adult responsibilities and just wants to laugh and play more.
In the past I have chosen not to make time to be carefree. Moving forward my intention is to laugh more and play more.