It was the weekend before Thanksgiving and we had just finished a movie. I remember putting our son in his room and by 9pm we were all retiring for the night. It was a completely ordinary evening. No fighting. No unusual behavior. Nothing to foreshadow that my life would never be same from this evening on.
I had only been asleep for a few hours when I heard my husband unlock the front the door. To some it might not have been a big deal but to me it brought up strong emotions of fear and filled my stomach with knots. The last time I heard a door unlock in the middle of the night I found my husband about to jump off the second story balcony to break his knees. Crazy yes, but I was familiar with the bizarre behavior my husband portrayed when under the influence of Ambien. To help you understand I have to take you back a few years.
The year was 2009. My husband once very healthy and strong, who worked construction could barely get enough energy to get out of bed or walk. It all started after he had an appendectomy. What I thought would be a week of recovery time turned a year of being bedridden for a year with no explanation. The doctors would tell us he had fibromyalgia and we believed them; that is, if the doctors believed in fibromyalgia themselves.
On our 5th wedding anniversary I remember he was very fatigued and in so much pain. Two days later I woke up to find him bawling his eyes out because he was in so much pain. Later that evening, I was washing dishes while my husband was resting on the couch. Before I could finish loading the dish washer our dog started barking insistently from the hallway. I assumed she needed to be let outside but when I approached her in the hallway I found her next to my husband who was lying on the floor. He had collapse walking to the bathroom and was literally paralyzed head to toe. I couldn’t pick him up and he had lost all control of his body. That was the first time I called 911 but it wouldn’t be the last.
While in the ER he slowly regained movement. First in his fingers and then eventually down to his toes. The doctor released him once he could walk down the hallway and back. It was then we became determine this was something more than fibromyalgia. We would eventually learn over a year later he didn’t have fibromyalgia but Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS).
My husband could never really sleep well due to his pain and restless legs and was prescribe Ambien. While on Ambien he had would order items off Amazon, purchase $100s in game points, and once cooked a full dinner at 1am. Finding him on the balcony trying to break his knees was the first scary incident on the drug. It was because of all the pain in his knees and years of doctors not being able to relieve the pain is why he wanted to break his knees. Under the influence he thought if he broke his knee then the doctor could have something to fix, or in his mind fix the pain.
Now back to the night I heard the door unlock for the second time. I was so nervous to get up not knowing what I would find. I found the courage and jumped out of the bed. I found him standing by the door crying. He said he needed to throw something away. His crying set off my intuition that something very bad was happening. I begged and pleaded for him not go outside. I could not have him leave the house. His crying was relentless and I finally let him go to the dumpster. It was then when I found the suicide note.
It was on the coffee table. Finding those pieces of paper was agonizing. I only read the first two sentences when I ran out of the house. I grabbed my husband by the arm and begged him to tell me what he did. Through the tears he admitted he had taken a bunch of pills. I woke up my son and drove to the hospital.
The doctor told me that what he took wasn’t lethal. Once stabilized he would be transported to another hospital. That calmed my nerves enough to walk the hallways with my young son. As I approached my husband’s room, I saw him acting suspicious. The cover was over his face and when he saw me he quickly lowered it. I walked over to investigate and saw liquid squirting out from his IV. I won’t go into detail but it was another attempt on his life. The doctors rushed in and restrained him to the bed. I couldn’t take anymore so I quickly gathered my son and left the hospital to await more news.
The next morning I met with the social worker. By then all the medications were cleared from his system. He was acting normal again and did not really remember what he did because he was on Ambien. The social worker talked to us both and handed me a subpoena. My husband was placed on a 72 hour involuntary hold and I would have to testify in court in 3 days time.
My in-laws stayed with me. Each day was spent waiting anxiously for the one hour of visitation allowed each day. On the last day my father-in-law came with me to the courthouse. I met with the lawyer and told him that I believed he would not have made the attempt on his life if his impulse control was not affected by being under the influence. The judge released him and we were able to spend Thanksgiving together as a family.
We spent the next month staying with my in-laws. My employer let me take time off and I spent some time working remotely. During this time my husband was doing great. It was like living in a dream and I was waiting to wake up. When we returned home I was ready to throw myself into my work again. It was short lived as three days later my son was taken to the ER.
I got the call that my son was breathing weird. By the time I got to the ER they were ready to load him onto the ambulance to transport him to Children’s hospital. Children’s wanted to keep my son over night for observation. They couldn’t decide if the breathing issue was due to swallowing a foreign object or virus related. I decided to stay at the hospital and my husband went home to get rest and let our dog out. The next morning I woke to a call from a woman who said, “I have your husband on the line.” My heart sunk. It was OnStar and my husband has gotten into an accident while driving to the hospital.
I then saw the text from him 30 mins earlier that he was coming to see us. I was a mess! My son was hooked up to a bunch of monitors. My husband was being taken by ambulance to another hospital and my phone was 2 secs away from dying. I felt alone and isolated from the world. I didn’t have a car at the hospital. I didn’t have a carseat to bring my son home. I had no way to communicate with my husband and what was happening with him. This was not happening! Not right after the month I just had. Luckily my phone battery had enough power I could text my husbands best friend to help.
Both of them were released around the same time. Our friend picked up my husband and then came and picked my son and I up. I just had to sit back grateful everyone was ok and laugh that we managed to have two ambulance rides and 3 hospital stays in 24 hours. Things could only go up from there or so I thought.
Spring came and I was working late on a Friday. Since returning home my husband and I weren’t getting along. I buried myself in work and this particular day I stayed late not really paying attention to my phone. When I finally left the office and called home. No answer. The feeling of unease and knots had returned. I called again as I walked to the car. Still no answer!
I rushed home and ran into the house. I found my husband lying on the couch. I walked over and tried to wake him. He was barely conscious. I knew something was wrong when he looked at me with big eyes and quickly closed them again. He couldn’t keep his eyes open and they were all glassy. When he wasn’t responding to me, I stopped and looked around the house. My heart sank. I saw blood and a lot of it. It was smeared on the walls. Trail of it on the floor. A syringe in the bathtub. I ran back to him examining him and yelling, “What did you do?!?” I couldn’t find anything cuts on him that would explain all the blood. I called 911 and before I knew it the house was filled with officers, swat team, and paramedics.
They were asking me tons of questions while they searched the house. I watched them searching through our trash. They were pulling medications from our cupboard. They went room to room. They left as soon as they got there and I found myself alone with my son. I didn’t know where he was going or what was going to happen. I didn’t know what to do. The house looked like a crime scene. I held my son and retreated in his bedroom while I made the calls.
I didn’t know if he was going to live or die. I was so angry with him for making such a deliberate, selfish choice. When I went through therapy months earlier I made the decision if this happened again I wouldn’t go to the hospital. I didn’t go. I didn’t sleep. I stayed up waiting for the hospital to call me with news.
The call came the next morning. My husband needed help breathing and was put on a ventilator. It was too early to tell what damage was done and if he would survive. How do you prepare yourself for that? My husband who I loved but at the same time I was so angry at may not survive. I was full of emotions and very conflicted.
My husband was very lucky. He completely recovered physically. The emotional damage to us though was emerging. He needed help. I was desperate for space. I was angry with him. He became emotionally detached from me and my son. It took a few months of some very painful fights and events before he found help at The Clearing. Two weeks later the bags were packed and he was off to heal and I had a month as a single parent to start my journey of healing.